Late last month, I wrote about external locus of control, when you believe that people or events outside yourself control you and you have very little, if any, say in what happens to you. Now it seems like a good idea to talk about internal locus of control and describe the child-rearing practices that bring about confident, self-assured children.
It’s too late for us, of course. Only in adulthood do we discover that we can control some thing and this belief has to be laid on top of feelings of helplessness. But it isn’t too late for whatever outside children we may have or for our inside children. (Teaching and supporting inner children is pretty much the same as teaching and supporting outside children.)
A baby starts off totally dependent on its mother or caretaker, with no concept of cause and effect. But if the baby gets fed every time he cries, he begins to think that crying brings food. It’s as if the world is designed to meet a baby’s needs — hunger brings food, being tired brings sleep, being cold brings more clothes or a warm blanket.
As the baby grows, it begins to dawn on him that he can’t control EVERYTHING. If he drops a toy from the highchair, it won’t come back up just because he holds out his hand. He’s shocked because he believed he was all-powerful. You can see him staring in amazement at the toy just lying there, and he may burst into tears of frustration.
You know the serenity prayer? “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Figuring that out is the task of childhood!
The mother starts off with total control over the baby. If she clings to that control, her child will still be dependent on her at age sixty. But if she gradually loosens control over her child and encourages independence, experimentation, learning to make choices, all those good things, the child will have internal locus of control. He won’t be deluded into thinking he has control over everything or control over nothing, but he will know he can make a mark on the world.
Now, as an adult struggling with the after-effects of RA and my suffocating childhood, I have the task of re-parenting the child parts within me. How can I do this, when my fragmented mind hops around like a bunny rabbit and floats in time, forgetting stuff and losing things right and left? It’s a constant struggle to keep the chaos down to a mild roar.
I have to keep things simple. I have to give my child parts simple choices and then honor those choices. It may not seem like a big deal to me what color socks I wear, but my child parts care. And I want those child parts to realize that they are the kind of person who has the power to influence the world. “See? These purple socks prove it. If you hadn’t chosen those socks, they would be in the drawer out off sight. You made the world see purple socks!” And then I have to offer ever more complex choices, just like I would with an outer child.
If I had been raised in safety and slowly given more and more choices, today I would feel empowered. That’s what I gave my own children and that’s what I want for my child parts.