Why Am I So Angry? Part 735

An essay on the spring equinox is at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/

I know that dealing with ritual abuse — or anything, for that matter — is a spiral process. You work on something, it’s miserable, and then there is some sort of closure and you reach a level place where life is not so bad. After a long or short while, more surfaces and you plunge back into the misery at a deeper level.

When it has been a long time since I revisited certain parts of my childhood, it takes me by surprise. I know about this spiral process, I have lived through it many times before, and I don’t expect the calm to last forever. Still, I am always taken unawares.

And it makes me mad. It’s like housework: as soon as you have gotten everything clean and tidy it starts to become dirty and messy and it is time to clean all over again. (I remember Peggy Seeger, Pete Seeger’s sister, singing the folk song  “The Housewife’s Lament.” It really speaks to my condition. You can listen to it and read the lyrics at http://www.songlyrics.com/seeger-peggy/housewifes-lament-lyrics/)

Ritual abuse makes me much, much madder than housework. That’s because what went on in the cult is far filthier than any kitchen or bathroom could ever be. The memories are disgusting, revolting. There just aren’t words for how awful they are. Not only do I have to remember it, but I had to live through it. Nobody should have to live through it, never, never, not ever. Let alone a little kid.

So here I am again, up to my armpits in filth. I know it won’t last forever, but it sure feels eternal. I have faith that when I reach equilibrium I will be in a better place than before I sank into the muck because that’s the way it was the other times. But meanwhile I have to endure it for as long as it takes.

And that is why I am so angry.

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6 thoughts on “Why Am I So Angry? Part 735

  1. Thanks for saying this so very well! I have the spiral pictured in my head each day, but still the anger often comes before the memory I’m called to work with–and the person who hits that button seems to stand firmly in my path. I resonate with Anne Lamott’s “we are not served by getting away from the grubbiness of suffering. Sometimes we feel that we are barely pulling ourselves forward through a tight tunnel on badly scraped-up elbows. But we do come out the other side, exhausted and changed.” Sending you light and love on this sometimes very dark journey, Maggie

  2. This is a normal reaction of any normal person. I wasn’t ritually abused, but it is revolting for me as well.
    From my experience, I can say that it is important to see it as what the other people are and what they did. You should separate yourself, put it in the past and have your life. This thing was brought into your life to crush it so we better put it away.
    I completely agree that no one good person should live in the cult. That’s why I’m working on my project. Some people, however, genuinely enjoy it. That’s why they made the cult, it was their way.
    I wish you to break out of this circle of cult life/abuse completely. Have something to found completely enjoyable life, all of you.

  3. Well, of course i know this, but I can’t even remember I am multiple or a survivor at the moment. Thats’s how hard it gets when new things come up or space isn’t made for healing. Thanks for the reminder.

  4. great article Jeannie,,, I’ve felt that way too… always got better after the shit, but I always was angry that I had to go through it in the first place… then life would mellow out and I’d get a little rest before the next round… glad I came out on top… life is good… thanks again

  5. nice rant and metaphor jean. It is that time of year again, isn’t it. I have been attempting to negotiate waiting until NEXT year– but it’s not going so well. hugs and warmth

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