How in the world did we learn how to love? We were raised with deceit and cruelty. The people who were supposed to cherish us were sadists. We had to bond to monsters, because that’s all there was to bond to. By all odds, we should be incapable of love because we have no idea what it is.
I asked one of my healing buddies how he explained it. He said, “I just looked at the fields and knew that there was more, and that it was wrong.” Somehow that little boy could see the beauty of the fields amid the ugliness of his upbringing and his heart went out to it. There must be an intrinsic capacity in children to love.
Of course, love goes against everything we were taught. It was seen as an act of rebellion and invited severe punishment. We learned to love in secret to protect both ourselves and the people and things we cherished. We didn’t stop loving, we just went underground with it.
When we got enough power to escape, we gained the opportunity to love openly. Of course we were afraid to love, afraid to let anybody know we cared. We had to fight against our well-learned fear with every ounce of our strength. But we did it and we continue doing it daily in continued defiance of the cult. The instinct is just too great to deny.
Ritual Abuse 
“We didn’t stop loving, we just went underground with it.”
What a powerful statement…of hope that would not quit.
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Over the years of trying to understand what seems to be a universal constant flow of adults wondering why they did not “get it” and how they feel others do not know how to love them, I have come to think that children come into the world to teach their parents how to love. Children are so forgiving and loyal. Stick them with a diaper pin and they cry and reach out to be held. Instant forgiveness or at least they know what is important at that moment. They do not want to lose the bond. Sadistic parents especially seem to want to stamp out any signs of softness and vulnerability. They do not learn even with the soft touch and love of an innocent child. They are objects. Children find love wherever they can. Where there is no love, they put love and then pretend they are getting it from another place. IT is brilliant. Not having someone to love was the worst part of it for me as I did love and adore so much and it had no where safe to go.so I hid it. So now, loving others brings me great joy and it seems so much easier than being loved..
For me that helps me explain this who sadistic stuff. IT does not lessen the distrust and pain but it makes it ordered for me.
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So very true.. Love was not taught.. I loved loving others for it was something I never received. Linda
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My heavens, I thought I was the only one. If I love somebody, and I do love several somebodies. that person becomes my most guarded secret.
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I love this one, Jeannie. I would go lay out on the lawn and look up at the sky and pretend there was something better for me… that all the cruelty would be over someday. Today I live a joyous life in peace and serenity. It feels great, but I really had to work against the well learned fear that you speak of. I too believe there is an innate search for love in children. We can tell when something isn’t right, and the abuse we went through wasn’t right. I’m so grateful that I got to the other side of the dark hole I was in, and that you can write so eloquently about it. thank you, deJoly
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