Finding My Voice

Recently I keep coming across the phrase “finding your voice.” It seems to crop up everywhere. I take this as a sign that this is an issue I am getting ready to deal with. If it weren’t close to the surface of my mind, I wouldn’t be so aware of other people talking about it.

What does “finding my voice” mean to me?

I’m sure it doesn’t mean speaking up about the reality of ritual abuse because I have been doing that consistently for many years now. The day I realized I had been abused, I said to myself, “This is what they mean by ‘the personal is political!’” By speaking, I make my personal experience a societal issue, at least in my own little corner of society. So I opened by big mouth in 1989 and haven’t shut it yet.

I think it has something to do with allowing the cut-off parts of me to emerge. I am so shattered that there are hundreds and thousands of fragments scattered through my mind. Each little fragment holds a tiny part of some memory or emotion that I had to put far, far away when I was a child. These fragments are no longer accessible to me, simply because they are so small.

When I think of putting together the pieces, the image that comes to mind is not that of a jigsaw puzzle, but of a glass so broken it has turned back into sand. How can these tiny particles ever have a voice? Even words have been disassembled and scattered, an “a” here, a “b” over there, totally disconnected. When I bring them up into consciousness, they are just a handful of letters that don’t mean anything.

I don’t know how to help these lost parts can come together enough to have a voice. I have no idea if it is even possible.

But I do know from experience that when my system is ready to do something, it happens. Maybe not in the way I expect or hope for, but change does take place. And so I wait and trust, and that is enough.

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8 thoughts on “Finding My Voice

    1. At the very beginning of the women’s movement, somebody, I think it may have been Gloria Steinem, said “The personal is political.” She meant that what happens to an individual woman has societal implications, even if it happens in private — or especially if it happens in private. Could be job discrimination, being bullied into sex when you don’t want it, not having equal access to medical care, contraception, or education — all those wonderful things that keep women down.

      My abuse was very personal. It happened to me, after all. But ritual abuse happens to many children in all parts of our country and has a huge effect on society. Change started happening when women got together and started talking about what they were experiencing. And so it is with RA. Change may be slow, but it will never occur if we all keep the secrets. That’s why I was compelled to talk, scary as it was.

      1. I guess it is the word “political” that throws me off. Perhaps, the word “societal” or “communal” would fit better for me. I agree that what happens to individuals does impact society. No person is an island.

  1. I have read many times about trusting the process. That is what came to mind when I read what you wrote about how when your system is ready to do something, it happens. I have found in my healing journey that I take the steps, but I cannot really make anything happen. I just do what I am “led” to do and the healing comes. And as we have all been ready…things happened.

    1. You know, I have frequently put myself down for just letting things happen in my life. But I too have grown from the nudges I’ve gotten and listened too. l My healing process has been nothing short of miraculous, and I’m so grateful for all the times I just let it happen.

  2. Yes, Jeannie, trusting that the system will know what to do, truly works. It becomes organic…moving effortlessly with commitment… toward a cohesive and compassionate joining… we are on the right path to healing…blessings.

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