Bad Girl

There is a new conference listed in Coming Events.

Continuing on the same theme —
Once upon a time there was a little girl who did not want to be born. She wanted to stay in heaven and be happy. God wanted her to get born and he was angry because she did not want to obey him. When god is angry he gets real mean.
He said, OK, I’ll teach you to obey. You’ll be sorry you wanted to be happy.
So he sent her down to be born into a family of satanists. Remember all she wanted was to be happy. Ha ha. They taught her to obey by making her choose between things. If she obeyed the first time she was unhappy. If she disobeyed, she got to be ten times as unhappy. It was her choice, you see.
They made her hurt animals and babies. They made her kill animals and eat their warm hearts. None of this made her happy at all. All of this was god’s idea because she did not want to leave heaven and lead a normal life, sometimes happy, sometimes unhappy, with a normal family. God sent her to the satanists the way people sent puppies to obedience school.
The satanists commanded her to forget each thing she did or learned until the next ritual. So during the day she did not know that they were satanists and killers and that she was one too. She did not know why she was so much more unhappy than the other children, why she could not love or play or have fun.
She tried very hard to be good and to do the right things all her life and kept looking for a little happiness but she never found it.
Finally when her family died they went to heaven and told god what they had done. God was very happy with the good job they did in teaching the little girl to be obedient. He hugged the satanists and praised them and let them be proud and happy.
But after they were dead for a while she disobeyed again and remembered what had happened. She could only remember little by little because it was so hard and scary to disobey. To her surprise, she did not have to kill anything when she disobeyed and remembered. She was just terrified, but that was nothing new. It was also hard to remember all the people and animals she had tortured and killed because she did not like pain either for herself or for others.
She is still alive so she does not know what god will do next. She guesses he is mad at her family because they didn’t do such a great job after all. She guesses he will be very mad at her when he learns that she is still not obedient and still wants to be kind and happy.
She wishes god wanted people to be nice to life and not care about obeying. She wishes god liked freedom and gentleness and beauty more than obedience. But she is just a little girl and she cannot change god.

From “Breaking Ritual Silence: An Anthology of Ritual Abuse Survivors’ Stories” Edited by Jeanne Marie Lorena and Paula Levy. Available from Survivorship.

5 thoughts on “Bad Girl

  1. Jeannie,

    This individuals story sound so similar to mine it is uncanny. Also very sad now that I am starting to see things more for the truth.

    Thank you for posting this and how could I order this book through survivorship, or is it also available from regular or locally run book stores?




  2. Oh, it is heartbreaking! Also helping me to connect with the reality of what happened to me. Sometimes I do not want to know, even though I am 99% integrated, not 100% as I thought!

    Thank you for sharing this.


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