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I have heard that many people, those with happy childhoods as well as those with horrible ones, wish they had paid more attention to family history when their grandparents and then their parents were still alive. It is certainly true for me.
If my father were alive today, I would be very interested in his history and how his mind worked. I think he would have been flattered by my attention and would have answered as many questions as he could. But when he was alive, I was angry and self-protective, and I pushed him away at every opportunity. I knew nothing of my “night life” and so had no framework for my fears and feelings – or his fears and feelings.
Looking back, I can see that he “leaked” information about his night life, both in words and behavior, like a thief leaving fingerprints. Who could recognize the hints at the time? Nobody, certainly not his children.
Today, I respect him for not wanting to have children and for not wanting to be around them until they were teenagers. I now interpret that as the only way he could figure out how to avoid hurting them. Back then, though, I took it as outright rejection when he said, “Children should be born at the age of twelve.” Both interpretations are probably true.
I also respect my father for sensing that there was something seriously wrong with him and for his desire to find out what it was. He was drafted in World War II, and when he came back, he was depressed. Perhaps he had not attended rituals for several years? And then he returned to the freedom of civilian life, a loving wife, adorable children, good food, a comfortable bed – and ceremonies held on all the Satanic holidays. I remember him saying that the years he spent in the service were the happiest years of his life. I also remember thinking that was odd.
At any rate, he found a psychologist and spent a long time in therapy. That was practically unheard of in the 1940s. Reading my mother’s diary after her death I learned that he gave up after several years but returned to the same therapist whenever things his depression worsened. Perhaps those times were when the realization of what had happened – and was still happening – in his night life tried to surface? I shall never know, but it’s not an unreasonable guess.
He has been on my mind since just before his birthday, on January 31, through Candlemas, to his death day, on February 4. Interesting how they bracket one of the major Satanic holidays. I do not know what happened to me on Candlemas nor what significance the day had for the particular Satanic sect I was born into. I do know that I have a strong feeling that he was supposed to be born and die on Candlemas.
Counting on my fingers, I find that he was conceived around April 1. April Fools’ Day was a big deal in my time, but I do not know if it was a long-standing tradition. However, Easter fell on March 31 the year he was conceived and Easter surely was a much bigger deal than April Fools’ Day ever was.
And guess what! Easter is on March 31 in 2024. That’s sort of spooky! It could, though, explain why I haven’t stopped thinking about him all month long. I wonder if my focus will remain on him through March. I wonder if I will figure out more of his history or remember more of my own. If I do, I’ll write about it here.
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Plural Positivity World Conference
For all those who identify as many, as well as their allies.
Online, Starts at 11:30am PTD, May 17, 2024
Ends at 10:30pm PTD, May18, 2024
Information: https://powertotheplurals.com/ppwc/
Archives of past events: https://pluralevents.org/
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The International Human Trafficking and Social Justice Conference is accepting proposals until March 31 for online presentations at its next conference. They are very open to ritual abuse, mind control, sex slavery, etc.
For those of you who don’t feel called to submit a proposal, please think about attending on September 18-20, 2024. Conference events (presentations, meet-up rooms, art show, etc.) are free to all survivors.
Information: https://www.traffickingconference.com/
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“50 Voices of Ritual Abuse.”
Short interviews with ritual abuse survivors, most from Europe. Some of you may recognize Svali, Anneke Lucas, and others that have websites or Youtube channels. https://www.50voices.org/en/start-en/